


POOR SPIDER

by Song_of_the_Black_Wolf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 23:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11679105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf/pseuds/Song_of_the_Black_Wolf
Summary: In which we learn a few things about Eren, Jean gets in trouble and find out how Levi really feels about spiders.





	POOR SPIDER

Things were relatively quite around the castle – for a change.  Levi had the entire squad cleaning the building from top to bottom, leaving him free to get the backlog of paperwork done.  Having a squad full of hormonal teenagers was enough to give anyone a headache, but for Captain Levi, paperwork was still worse.  Lucky for him, he was able to rope Zoë Hanji into helping him, which made the work go much faster.

 

When they finally finished, it was mid afternoon.  Both stood and stretched, popping several vertebrae in their spines after being hunched over a desk all day.  “There’s only one thing in this world worse than paperwork,” Hanji grumbled.

 

“What would that be?”

 

“Meetings,” she groaned.

 

“Agreed,” Levi responded.  “We’d better go check on the brats.  It’s just like some of them to be slacking off while I’m not looking.”

 

As the two officers set off down the hall, there came a series of loud yells followed by a girl’s shriek and then an even louder bang and crash.  This was followed by a shriek of “KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT!!!!” Levi and Hanji ran up to the door just as a little brown spider, no more than 2-3 centimeters across, came running out from under the door.  The two watched, dumbfounded as the terrified little creature continued racing down the hallway as fast as its eight little legs would carry it.

 

Then they looked at each other.  “Well that explains the girly shriek,” Levi said dryly as he turned the knob to release the catch then backed up and kicked the door open so that it hit the wall with a loud bang, making all of the room’s occupants jump.

 

Levi surveyed the room with a bored expression on his face.  There were three overturned chairs, a shattered lamp and one Eren Jaëger standing on a chair near the corner.  There were also six stunned teenagers standing around the room, frozen in their cleaning and one Jean Kierstein standing in the middle with a very guilty look on his face.

 

After regarding the scene for several moments and looking each teen in the eye silently, Levi finally let out an annoyed sigh.  “Anyone care to tell me why me and Four Eyes just watched a spider go running out of this room and down the hall like all of hell was chasing it?”

 

There was a moment’s hesitation before Sasha finally answered.  “Because you think spiders are interesting?”

 

Levi gave her a death glare with his steely grey eyes, but said nothing.  _I’m not even going to gratify that with a response!_ “Anyone else care to give it a try?”

 

Eren slowly climbed down from the chair and sat in it, face red with embarrassment.  Jean looked like he wanted to curl up into himself until he disappeared.

 

“Kierstein found a spider under the book case and threw it at Eren, sir,” Mikasa spoke up matter of factly.

 

Hanji began to giggle.  “You mean that girly scream was Eren?!”

 

Levi growled softly.  “Care to elaborate?”

 

*******************************************************************

 

Moments ago:

 

Jean was sweeping out the dust bunnies from under the bookcase.  “I’m thinking this hasn’t been dusted under here since forever ago,” he complained

 

“Be careful,” Ymir warned.  “Those saber toothed dust bunnies can bite!”

 

“Ew!” was Krista’s response.

 

“So can the spider I just found!” Jean exclaimed.  “It’s huge!”

 

Eren immediately dropped his duster, his sea green eyes wide with alarm.  “So kill it already!”

 

“What’s the matter, Jaëger?  Afraid of spiders?” Jean teased, holding the spider cupped in his hands and moving towards Eren.

 

“No, of course not!” Eren insisted as he backed away.

 

“Jean!  That’s not nice!” Krista chided.

 

“How about I dump it down your shirt?” Jean continued.

 

“Cut it out, Horse Face!  I’ll step on you next time I’m in titan form!” Eren squawked.

 

“Here.  Catch!” Jean yelled as he tossed the hapless spider at Eren’s face.

 

Eren let out a loud, high pitched shriek, stumbled backwards over the furniture with his arms flailing to ward off the flying arachnid and finally, being certain the spider was not actually on him, got up onto a chair demanding that someone “KILLIT!” as the poor thing ran for its life out under the door.

 

********************************************************************

 

“I see,” Levi said flatly after Mikasa’s detailed explanation.  “Tell me something, Kirstein.  What did that poor spider ever do to deserve being dragged from its home, picked up by a creature hundreds of thousands of times its own size and thrown at another creature hundreds of thousands of times its size?”

 

Jean looked at his feet.  “Nothing, sir.”

 

“Can you imagine what that’s like?” Levi continued.  “All it’s ever done is mind its own business while trapping and eating bugs that would otherwise be spreading disease and annoying us.  A spider deserves far more respect than to be used as a mere prop in a prank to make someone scream like a little girl.”  His speech was met with silence.  “Very well, then.  This is what we’re going to do.  Jaëger, grow a pair.  Everyone except Kirstein, go get started on making supper.  Kirstein, you clean up this mess and then you will clean up after supper by yourself.  Understood?”

 

“Yes, sir!”

 

Hanji sat by the door as the squad, all except for Jean, filed out of the room.  She was wiping tears of laughter from her face.  “I can’t believe that Eren’s afraid of spiders!” she giggled.

 

Levi just walked away saying, “Poor spider!”


End file.
